Have you ever felt lonely while trying to talk with a loved one? Did you feel you were trying to emotionally connect to that person but got met with silence or worse- blame, judgment, and criticism? It’s possible one or both parties may have been unwilling or unable to use emotionally intelligent phrases due to inadequate training in communication by their own parents and grandparents.
Emotionally intelligent phrases sound something like this:
“I can see why you would feel that way.”
“I am trying hard to listen to you in an effort to understand you.”
“What do you need from me right now?”
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“Please slow down, I want to be sure I hear what you are saying.”
“I know you’re upset, and I want to support you. What can I do?”
“Please lower your voice so I can listen.”
“I’m here for you.”
“ I heard you say…….. is that correct? “
“We’re on the same team.”
“Let’s return to this topic in 24 hours, after we have both had a chance to cool down.”
“Tell me more. I can tell this is important to you.”
“That doesn’t work for me but here’s what I can do.”
“Thank you for telling me. I will take some time to think about what you have said. I am willing to look at my behavior and make some changes so we can have a healthier relationship.”
“Can you try saying that a different way?”
“It’s important to me that you are able to share your feelings with me.”
“What would a good outcome look like for you?”
These phrases work best when offerred in a neutral tone of voice. It may also be important to consider a neutral environment when speaking in person. Don’t choose your own home. It may not feel life safe territory to the other party. Suggest going for a walk outdoors or sit on a park bench with some beautiful scenery to diffuse the tension. There may be occasions where speaking on the phone is the only practical option, just be careful to take turns talking and listening to each other.
These tips are offerred with the intention of fostering emotional connection with our loved one’s. Keep practicing these emotionally intelligent phrases with patience. It is my hope, you will feel less emotionally drained at the end of your conversations and less lonely within the relationship.
Warmly,
Ginny D. Miller, Licensed Mental Health Counselor
@GinnyMillerTherapy
